"What is to give light must endure burning." --Viktor Frankl

“I have wasted years of my life
agonizing about the fires
I started when I thought that to be strong you must be flame-retardant”

--Amanda Palmer, Ampersand

“When you learn to love yourself
You will dissolve all the stones that are cast
Now you will learn to burn the icing sky
To melt the waxen mask
I said to have the gift of true release
This is a peace that will take you higher
Oh I come to you with my offering
I bring you strange fire”

--Indigo Girls, Strange Fire



25 July 2011

Petals for Eveline


 Circa 2000. Another piece I wrote for an independent study in my MA program. I was asked to write a piece in which I blurred fact and fiction.


 A Short Story
The ant climbs up a trunk
carrying a petal on its back;
and if you look closely
that petal is as big as a house
especially compared to the ant that
carries it so olympically.

You ask me: Why couldn’t I carry
a petal twice as big as my body and my head?
Ah, but you can, little girl,
but not petals from a dahlia,
rather boxes full of thoughts
and loads of magic hours, and
a wagon of clear dreams, and
a big castle with its fairies:
all the petals that form the soul of
a little girl who speaks and speaks. . . ![1]

--David Escobar Galindo
            “It could still go either way,” Eve said, struggling to lift her heavy, droopy daughter, Eveline, out of her crib. Eveline felt heavy and droopy because she was two years old, no longer an infant, and also because she was still half-asleep. “They’ve only been deliberating for a week. If the deliberations had taken longer I would be strongly convinced that we’d won, if you can call it that now. But after only a week . . .it should take nearly a week for most of the jury to simply understand what we’re talking about, let alone consider the ethical, economic, and legal implications of their verdict. Hell, I barely even understand it all, and I’ve been studying it for years.”
            “You’re certain the decision will come today?” asked Lorena, Eveline’s nanny. “Shouldn’t you be at the courthouse then?” Lorena handed Eve a pink barrette that had fallen from Eveline’s unruly brown curls.
            “Only the lawyers have to be there. I’m just one of the witnesses. One of the flies caught in the political web. Michael promised he would call and let me know when they’ve reached a verdict.” Eve fastened the barrette back in place and gently combed Eveline’s hair with her fingers. Eveline closed her eyes and started to fall back asleep as she rested a chubby pink cheek on Eve’s shoulder.
            “I know this has been hard on you, ma’am. You’ve published so many articles and books about this. People are finally listening, but now, well, since Eveline . . .” Lorena stepped back and began fussing with the hem on the skirt one of Eveline’s dolls: the antique doll that talked when you pulled the string on her back. The doll’s dress was a bit tattered, but she could still say seven different phrases.
“I understand how hard this must be, ma’am. And I hope I’m not speaking out of place. But at least it’ll all be over after today.” Lorena stopped fussing with the doll and stretched her arms out toward Eveline. “Would you like me to take Evie to the park so you can rest, ma’am?”
            “No, thank you, Lorena. I’ll look after her myself this afternoon. In fact, you take the rest of the day off. You deserve it. You’ve been putting in so many extra hours since the trial began.” Eve ushered Lorena to the door. “Before you go out, though, please ask Carlos to take the call from Michael for me when it comes in and to bring me the message right away.” Lorena opened her mouth, raised her eyebrows, and started to protest, but Eve cut her off, “Thank you, Lorena. Really, thank you.”
            After Lorena left, Eve sat with Eveline in the rocking chair. Eve wasn’t ready for the jury’s verdict. As a philosopher, she had been preparing for it for the last twenty years, but as a parent, she wasn’t sure she would ever be fully prepared. What would the consequences be in a world like this? she thought.  What would happen to Eveline? She didn’t want to think about that. “Only a few minutes longer, sleepyhead,” Eve said to her daughter, “then you have to wake up.” This had all been so much easier when it was just theory, Eve sighed as she rocked slowly, rhythmically.
Philosophers and scientists had begun defending, criticizing, and debating the implications of the Argument for Moral Consistency as far back as the 1970s, during the first population and energy crises. Eve herself had been defending it since 2036, when Macphail’s theory about the evolution of consciousness had finally been supported and widely accepted by philosophers, experimental psychologists, linguists, and neurologists, first in China, then in the United States after the 2034 Energy Crisis. As the new decade approached, fewer people were dying each year as a result of mass starvation, but the practices of infanticide and geronticide continued to spread. People didn’t openly discuss these practices, of course. They didn’t want to believe they ever happened, let alone still happened. Eve didn’t understand their reluctance herself until she had Eveline. So much had changed since she’d had Eveline.
            “Time to wake up, Eveline,” Eve said. Eveline lifted her head, but was struggling to keep her eyes open. “Come on, darling. It’s time to wake up.” Eve spoke more calmly this time, but rubbed Eveline’s back briskly, trying to rouse her. Eveline’s yellow cotton T-shirt crept up as she rubbed, and Eveline reached back to yank it back down. “What’s the matter, Evie? Are Mommy’s hands cold? I’m sorry. Come on and wake up, now. Mommy will read you a story.” Eveline responded with a yawn.
            Eve hoped reading a story would help her stop thinking obsessively about the trial. And about Michael. Ten years ago, when she was a post doc and he was starting his own law practice, they were clearly on the same side. They were both young and idealistic and had combined their efforts to develop and implement effective solutions to the world’s problems. Three years ago, however, when she became pregnant unexpectedly and refused to abort Michael’s child, the sides began to blur. 
During the trial, Eve tried to explain the essential elements of Macphail’s theory to the jurors in the simplest way she knew how: According to this theory, consciousness evolved in human animals, and in human animals only, because they have acquired language. The rest of the theory is a hypothetical syllogism: If an animal does not acquire language, then the animal is not conscious of itself. If the animal is not conscious of itself, then the animal is not conscious of its feelings. If the animal is not conscious of its feelings, then the animal is not conscious of pain. Therefore, if the animal does not acquire language, the animal is not conscious of pain. It does not suffer.
            After a few minutes of rubbing, Eveline’s eyes were finally open and appeared to be focused on the banana-yellow and plum-purple alphabet wallpaper. Eve stood up and walked over to the bookcase. There were easily two hundred books on the shelves, and Eve had read each one to Eveline at least twice. She knew how important it was to read to children, how it was supposed to help them develop language skills. So Eve had filled the room with books. And dolls. The room used to be full of fuzzy, cute, mute stuffed animals that Eveline had received from family and friends. But Eve had replaced all of the animals with dolls: little girls with pretty names, porcelain faces, pink cheeks, and glossy painted mouths.
            Eve’s eyes were on the dolls, but her mind was back at the trial. Animals’ rights are determined by whether or not they suffer, she’d had to explain. Since Macphail’s theory links suffering to language, and language to humanity, the implications of the theory go beyond non-human animals. In other words, some humans who lack language abilities, such as infants, comatose patients, the hopelessly senile, or the profoundly retarded, are also not conscious. They are considered “marginal cases of humanity” and considered by some as virtually no different than non-human animals. Therefore, the whole argument basically came down to this: to be fair and to be consistent, marginal cases of humanity and non-human animals should be treated in the same way and be extended the same rights. Even a year ago this still all made sense to Eve. It was clear. Today she felt as bewildered as some of the jurors looked when she tried to explain.
            “Ready for a story?” Eve asked Eveline as she slid a book from the shelf. “Here’s a nice book, Evie. See the sailboat? I know, how about a poem?” Eve sat with Eveline on the window seat. “Here, you hold it,” she said, handing Eveline the book, hoping yet that she might be able to distract herself.  Eveline, oblivious to her mother’s distraction, had taken the book in both hands, pulled it to her mouth, and begun chewing on the corner.
            At Michael’s insistence, Eve had given an example in court to help the jury understand: “How many of you have ever been given a drug like diazepam as a sedative before a minor surgical procedure instead of being given a pain killer?” Eve had asked. “A drug that doesn’t take away pain, but rather takes away your consciousness, your memory of the pain? That’s what life is like all the time for non-human animals and humans who lack language abilities. They feel pain, but they don’t remember it. Not like humans. They are not conscious of it. Therefore, they do not suffer.”
            Eve took the book from Eveline, who was now trying to tear the pages out, and selected a poem. “Here’s a good one, Evie. Let’s read this one.” She pulled Eveline closer to her and held the book in front of her so she could see the words. “Ready? It’s called ‘A Short Story,’ and it was written by a man named David Escobar Galindo.
The ant climbs up a trunk carrying a petal on its back . . .’”  
            That’s what Michael had forced Eve to testify to: that Brandon did not suffer. That the head injury Brandon incurred when he was four left him severely brain damaged and took away his ability for language. Therefore, according to the syllogism, since Brandon no longer had language, he was no longer conscious of pain. Despite how difficult it was to accept, according to philosophers and scientists, marginal humans like Brandon were no longer “persons.” They were no different than non-human animals. Therefore, if it was legal for Brandon’s parents to euthanize their dog, it should be legal for them to euthanize Brandon.
            Three years ago, even one year ago, Michael would not have had to call Eve as a hostile witness. “Why are you trying to sabotage this?” Michael demanded after Eve testified. “Your whole career has been built on this.”
“It’s not just theory any more.” Eve replied, shaking her head. “You, of all people, should know this. It’s not just other people’s children we’re arguing about any more.”
Eve underlined the words on the page with her finger as she read the next lines of the poem: “‘and if you look closely/ that petal is as big as a house/ especially compared to the ant that carries it so olympically.’”
            In theory, all of it still made sense. If marginal humans are not really “human,” and they do not suffer, then why should a healthy chimpanzee, pig, cat, or rat enjoy more or fewer rights than Brandon? Brandon’s parents were suffering, not Brandon. People don’t really put their pets or their children out of misery; they put themselves out of misery. Brandon’s parents, therefore, should be able to decide what was best for them, and what was best for Brandon.
            “’You ask me: Why couldn’t I carry a petal twice as big as my body and head?’”
Eveline had turned two a month ago, but had not yet spoken one word. The doctors were still doing tests. Eve tried not to worry, but the trial was making that difficult. It wasn’t just about euthanasia. It wasn’t just about Brandon. As much as Eve the philosopher felt that consistency was the only ethical solution, Eve the parent worried that consistency would mean she would lose her rights as Eveline’s mother. That even though she was suffering, she would not be allowed to decide what was best for herself or for Eveline. If Eveline would just speak . . .
“’Ah, but you can, little girl . . .’” Eve managed to read the words on the page, but her thoughts were drowning in twenty years of research.
            If no language equals no pain, then language equals pain. One hundred and fifty years ago, Moreau thought that pain was unnecessary in humans because they are intelligent. He understood that pain had evolved, but mistakenly believed it had evolved in both human and non-human animals. He was also convinced that pain would, and should, eventually evolve out of the human species. Obviously, he had overlooked the importance of language.
            “’but not petals from a dahlia . . .’”
            Moreau had made no connection between language and consciousness, or between language and pain. He, too, saw pain and suffering as a dividing point for humanity, but he saw it backwards. He thought pain and suffering were what made animals non-human. Eve remembered a passage from one of his notebooks: “So long as visible or audible pain turns you sick, so long as your own pain drives you, so long as pain underlies your propositions about sin, so long, I tell you, you are an animal, thinking a little less obscurely what an animal feels.”
            Eve had taken Eveline’s hand and was now helping her point to the words as Eve read them: “’rather boxes full of thoughts . . .’”   
Strauss and Nemur never made the connection either, which was a pity because Strauss and Nemur had documented performing operations on animals in 1960 similar to those Moreau had performed in 1896. Unlike Moreau, however, in addition to experimenting on non-human animals, Strauss and Nemur had experimented on a human animal named Charlie Gordon. In their experiment, which was well documented, they didn’t focus on pain, or even on language; they focused on intellect. And while the link was not explicitly made, as Charlie’s language abilities improved, he not only became more intelligent, he became another person. Or, rather, he became a person. He became conscious of himself and his feelings.
            “’and loads of magic hours, and . . .’”
            Unfortunately, as with Moreau’s experiments, the results of Charlie’s operation lasted only temporarily. Scientists had continued to experiment, but to date none had been any more successful. Of course, even in the 70s there hadn’t been a demand as there was now. After today, however . . .
“’a wagon of clear dreams, and . . .’”
Eve’s voice was growing loud, impatient. The same rules should apply. But what would winning the argument mean now? That it was not only acceptable to euthanize infants and the severely retarded or brain injured, but that it would also be acceptable to experiment on them, to use them as domestic labor, or to kill them for food? That sounded like a big leap to those unfamiliar with the argument, but it was not. Factors such as over-population, flooding, and famine were also part of the argument, not just pain and language. And . . .
            “’a big castle with its fairies . . .’”
            And what would happen to Eveline? Perhaps infants’ rights would be protected because they were “potential humans.” But what would be the cutoff age? Would children have to talk by the time they were eighteen months old? Two years old? Three? What if Eveline didn’t start speaking soon? Even if Eveline didn’t suffer, even if Michael didn’t suffer, Eve suffered. What if they took Eveline away from her? What if . . .
            “all the petals that form the soul of a little girl who speaks and speaks . . . !”
            Eve turned Eveline around so she was facing her. Eveline was plucking at a daisy appliqué on her shirt. “That’s right: petals! Say ‘petals’ for Mommy.” Eve was nearly shouting. “Look at me!” Eve said, grabbing hold of Eveline’s shoulders. Eveline shrank and looked up at her mother. “Say something!” she commanded her daughter, who, like Eve, had started to cry. “You are not an animal. Please. Speak. Little girls speak and speak . . .!”
The shouting and crying were so loud that Eve did not hear the phone ring, nor did she hear Carlos step into the room a minute later.
            “Speak!’” Eve sobbed again. She was startled when Carlos spoke instead:
            “I’m terribly sorry to interrupt you, ma’am, but that was Michael on the phone.
You won.”


[1] David Escobar Galindo, “A Short Story,” Trans. Jorge D. Piche, This Same Sky: A Collection of Poems from around the World, Selected by Naomi Shihab Nye (New York: Four-Winds-Macmillan, 1992) 20-21.

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